I rarely give myself credit for being awesome but deep down I know I am awesome, strong and a fighter.
I like holding onto my “normal days” because sometimes they really don’t last that long. My childhood was normal – being goofy, playing at the neighbor’s house till late, getting home and receiving a beating for different reasons (haha the good old days ). But then things changed.
I remember turning 12 and loosing interest in life activities and all the things I enjoyed. I started having this soul eating voice that rules my life sometimes! People told me its a stage in life. I was almost a teenager so I understood when they reassured me, “All that will come to pass.” A couple of years later, I still go through the same experiences though this time round I really understand what it is.
Sometimes the voice gets loud so I give in and listen to it telling me I’m a loser; It reminds me of my past failures and my darkest moments. It tells me I’m not destined to be happy, successful and there really is no need of trying. Other times it just starts telling me how my dreams are unrealistic and unachievable; how my future is unplanned and the voice makes me over think about minor situations; like how I’m going to trip when I walk in front of people.
I have had to deal with low self-esteem because of this voice. By choosing to listen to it, I withdraw from the world into this comfortable shell it has designed for me. You suggest easier options for me to end all this and even go ahead and make it hard for me to talk to people. “They’ll judge you” You never miss an opportunity to remind me that!
Maybe sometimes you are right; people don’t understand, they judge and brush me off, they say I’m over exaggerating, they say its normal but trust me it’s not. You just don’t understand what I’m feeling and I don’t expect you to. All I need is for you to listen; soothe me and keep the random opinions to yourself.
I’m tired of your voice giving me this uneasiness; I’m tired of the random panics, worry, fear. I’m tired of hiding under the blanket and crying and don’t get me started with the abnormal heart palpitations.
I don’t know how long you were planning on staying in my territory but one thing’s for sure you are no longer welcomed in my life and I would appreciate if you left cause I just declared war and I will not despair !
Over To You…
Do you suffer from any mental illness? What’s your opinion about it?
Till Next Time, Bye !!!
XOXO, Jade 🙂