She felt exhausted. Worthless. Guilty. She kept thinking about death and taking her own life. The sadness she was feeling made it difficult for her to function…She should keep track of the number of times she cries herself to sleep, the number of times she tossed in bed with a migraine, the number of times she wants to erase all the hurtful memories and start afresh. But she can’t because she is a prisoner! She is a slave of worry, guilt and shame!
As she stares at her reflection on the mirror, she wonders what is left to live for. What is she fighting for. They tell her absolutely no one is a mistake and that leaves her wondering if they also lie about all the other world statistics on climate, politics and epidemics.
She once skipped a lesson because of a “stomach ache.” She wonders if on that day the teacher taught the class about what she’s now facing.
“This is just like an adolescence phase, right? Just like when I first got my first period and start developing boobs, right? I’ll get over this and everything will go back to normal,right? I don’t know what they call this phase but it’ll come to pass. All the sudden difficulty in breathing. Trying to stabilise my shaking and super sweaty palms will be normal,right? She wondered to herself.
No, she’s not mad at you. Its never you actually its her. She can’t make it stop. The On and Off switch button seems to be broken.One minute she’s On top of the world and the next she’s Off the grid.
She’s not okay! She get’s nauseatic everytime people tell her, “Its okay not to be okay.” It freaks her out real bad. Common sense is no longer common to her she has become reckless and takes unnecessary risks. She is excessively tense and jumpy and has trouble focusing, concentrating or remembering things. She is unable to feel happiness, joy, love and has trouble connecting with people.
She’s hurting so much, she literally feels her heart and throat being squeezed. If only she could make it stop !
She stands by the bridge hoping people will notice her and ask her why she looks absent minded. People don’t care, she noticed! She’s looking for the easiest ways to end all this though she’s doing it in a slow motion kind of way hoping anyone or anything will give her hope and a reason not to end this …
She should have attend that class. She would have known how long this phase takes.
The only thing keeping her going at the moment is the thought,“Just like adolescence phase this phase will come to pass *fingers crossed*. And just like the changes she experienced during adolescence, this phase will change her too to become a better version of herself, right?.”
Over To You …
What do you think/ know what living with anxiety, depression or any mental illness feels like?
xoxo, Patience 🙂